Emotions...the ones that affect your heart. Your heart beats fast. Your heart drops. It's filled with disbelief, filled with joy, filled with relief, filled with sadness, filled with complete frustration..feelings, they are so real, so lived, so uncontrollable. I've had a week where my heart experienced each and every emotion on such different a spectrum that it's actually changed my outlook and attitude that I desperately needed. I think God was speaking to me this week in letting me know what is really important...I guess your heart and mind work together and you forget what is truly important..I'm forever changed by my emotions...( This post is rather long, but I want my kids to read this someday...it's part of who I am, I want record of my changed outlook...)
The week started with pure frustration. I had to come up with my own move-back-into-the-house date, as there is no sense of urgency with the builder repairing my home. I know it's a custom home, but come on!!, 6 months so far is a LONG time away from home...So I had told them this is the date we are moving in (right after Spring break) I had this in my head and heart for a couple of weeks, I don't adapt to change very well when it has something to do with planning. I'm a planning freak, I wish I was more spontaneous, I consider this a flaw of mine, but that's just the way I'm made. I've embraced it, so has my loving husband. I ended up calling the builder and totally going off on him...really..it wasn't pretty, it ended up with me sobbing on the phone, pleading with them to just let us go back home...My emotions got the best of me...
On Wednesday I got a phone call from my nanny's daughter (she speaks better English on the phone) that her Mom, Adela wasn't coming to work. WHAT!! My ONLY non kid day with a list a mile long that I so methodically mapped out on paper the most time efficient way to go about getting the entire list done..My first reaction, panic, lots to do, I was kind of short on the phone and left it as OK, let me know when she's coming back, I guess. I was selfish....Adela has NEVER missed a day of work in almost 4 years. I found her shortly after I moved to Texas. It's pretty common down here to have a Hispanic housekeeper, nanny, etc. with familes with young kids. I needed her so bad when we were building the house, as it was a nightmare taking a toddler AND baby to pick out furnishings, etc.. Adela has her corks, like feeding my kids WAY to much sugar, I have hide the sweets from her!! AND she doesn't discipline very well, not like we do anyway..It's more like a soft..."no-no be nice"..when we do time outs, put toys in time out, etc..So I've had my days of bitchin'..but as my Mom points out, No one will take care of your kids the way you do. She's right. The most important thing is she's dependable, LOVES my kids like her own, honest, caring. She's a wonderful cook, a neat and tidy women, she teaches my kids Spanish, and teaches us the Hispanic culture, which is a treat for us... She's a very special person to our family. She's part of ours, we love her.
She was in a car accident about a month and a half ago...Thankfully she was ok, pretty banged up, but ok...She showed me her leg, which was the deepest darkest purple you've ever seen. I told her she needed to go to the doctor, not having insurance she took off work and drove to Mexico so see her doctor with her family. ..She came back, she was taking some medicine and she would be ok...so we thought..over the next month she had develped some type of infection..and I learned from my friend Amy, that we share Adela with, as Amy has small children too...that she had spent the evening in the emergency room, and basically the doctor told her that she was to think about amputating her leg so the infection wouldn't spread to the rest of her body...What?!! They thought it was gangrene. It was so much more serious than I could ever imagine. I spent the entire day in a daze...To think about someone you love having an appendage cut-off, because she can't afford insurance in the USA, has absolutely horrifying to me. I was in touch with her family many times during the day. She was admitted to the hospital, they did numerous tests. If the infection was in the bone, they really would have to amputate. My stomach dropped. I was sick. You hear all the time how people can die from a staph infection. I spent the entire day in a daze, crying, saddened, what if we lose her. My selfishness went away. I need her. I depend on her. What would I tell the kids. We've lost a pet and had to explain death already, but not on a human scale. She can't die!! She's part of our family. I was shaking..and praying..a lot..It wasn't looking very good most of the day....We were waiting on the tests results...her family called...a long day...good news..it wasn't in the bone!! Praise God...once again...I was so relieved. My emotions went from panic to relief, my heart skipped a beat, I could feel the weight on my heart float away...It was the end of the day.. The sun got brighter, euphoric feelings I can't describe over took me. Something changed. I called my builder, I apologized to him, told him I was wrong, I know they are doing their best, taking pride in their work..It was a great feeling to admit to being wrong to be forgiven. It was a huge slap in the face, wake up call, a life changing moment for me. The only thing that matters is God, our health, our close friends, and our family..I thanked God, prayed to keep that feeling I was given of such utter thankfulness, to adapt that feeling as one I had forgot about in a long time. I hugged my husband, sobbed to him, kissed my kids, and changed my attitude...
Emotions...pure disbelief, utter sadness...Being from the Midwest it's not as common to have a pool, so when Scott and I put in a pool, we were really nervous about messing it up with the chemicals, the timer, the hot tub controls, etc and with Scott traveling and I'm so busy with the kids, it made sense to us. So we hired a "pool guy", Johnny. The first time he came out, long hair, built, tattoos all over, just kind of sexy to me, ripped jeans, wife-beather t-shirt,..the rocker type...yah...Totally cool, and hip.You know, just like the "pool" guys on tv!! As we got to know him, his "image" doesn't match his look. He's totally honest, a family guy, and just fun to hang out with. He's a guy's guy, so Scott adores him too. He's become a friend of ours...
He excitingly told us about expecting his first Grandchild awhile back, you could see the gleam in his eyes..he had his children early in life, which he's very close to, we've meant most of them...he kept us updated weekly on the pregnancy while he was cleaning the pool, the name, the 3-D sonogram..the baby was almost here..There was a problem. She was in her 8th month, bleeding bad. She went to a VA hospital in California, her husband is over seas in the military, serving our country..They did some tests, said it was ok, sent her home...she kept bleeding through the weekend, they told her it was normal, not to worry...a couple days go by, she's in pain, still bleeding, she goes back to the hospital, waits and waits, it's a VA hospital, she's waiting her turn, military. It gets so bad, she runs up and screams...they admit her..it's to late..they lost the baby and she almost bled to death..She was all alone, her husband across the ocean, her family here..If only they would of not mistaken her condition a few days ago, he would of been born alive, it was a terrible mistake the hospital made and it cost a life...a new life..a dream, gone..a family gone...
Scott told that she had lost the baby last week but I hadn't seen Johnny until he came to work this week. I went out and hugged him and told him how sorry I was..that's when he told me the story I just told you but in more detail and Scott had left out some of the story cause he knew my heart would break.. and it did...The hospital kept the dead baby wrapped in blankets for the Mother to hold while her husband got permission to fly back to meet his dead first born son. I lost it...He was explaining how they'd kept the body on ice at night..I was in utter disbelief, my heart just sank deep into my chest, broken...Johnny and his wife also flew out to meet their first born Grandson..He said he was beautiful, they had a funeral, his name was Connor..He was buried 14 days after he died due to the husband's long travel time, to get permission, all the red-tape, legal stuff he had to go through while he's over serving our country, and also the autopsy..His daughter came back with her parents, so she wouldn't have to be alone...She was helping her Dad with the pools this week, to take her mind off of the death..He actually dropped her off at our "real" house's pool and came over to do our "rental" house's pool, as he knew Boden would be here and he didn't want her to see our baby...Let me tell you, I've never cried so hard in my life after he left, I kept picturing this tiny little baby, remembering how our babies looked when they were born, I was an emotional wreck, the rest of the day. I kept picturing Johnny's face as he told me, the gleam gone. Here this poor Mommy lost her baby and I have three...Why are some people so blessed and some have to experience such devastation? It's so unfair that it takes someone else's pain to make you realize how blessed you truly are. Why is that? God, will you just tell me why?
Emotions... Relief...I've had a lot of stomach pain lately, I've doubled over in pain, drank peptomismo like it's water...I've been throwing up my lunches..My body just didn't seem right..I was really worried..I went into the doctor, did some blood work, got some medicine...waited for the results the next day...Waiting for a phone call..I've been so blessed to of found the best, the kindest doctor, the kind that you want to model yourself after, a true one of a kind gem, I was looking forward to his phone call, as he's so reassuring, when your health is in his hands..his expertise, his gift is needed...phone call...all ok, just thought it might be my ulcers acting up again..and gee, why wouldn't they be with the emotional high and lows I've experienced lately...New medicine, take time for myself, relax (which I have a hard time doing)...I'll be ok, no worries...Relief...
Emotions.., Joy...going from one extreme to the other...pure joy, as Boden's first tooth came in and he was up on all four's, rocking, getting ready to crawl this week...Not only did I feel joyful, but thankful, blessed, and amazed at how selfish I've been lately..Your emotions mixed with experiences can change you, is that why we have them?....My have changed, for the better..I needed that push, I felt it hard, it will last in my heart forever... God, I'm sorry I haven't been as in touch as I should be with you lately, Thank you for the wake up call, I'm listening now, I get it...I promise to get back on track, I pray for your guidance..I now know that you give us these emotions to teach us lessons and make us more Godly, a better person..and that is truely what I want to be...
We have a little athlete in our family, definitely takes after his father in that category, Barrett has already mastered the skills that are set at his level way early than he should. The sessions go until May and here it is February, and he's accomplished them all!! They moved him up to the next level, in which he has mastered most of those skills already too!! 
